Review by: the Dark Falcon

Well, it was that time once again for me to rummage through Toys R' Us and criticize all the crap I could find. I would do it at Electronics Boutique, mind you, but there's too many nice people there to bother. No, it's the "Um, I think this game is cool, or something" people at Toys R' Us I really like to annoy.

So I pick up a price sticker for Revolution X for Sega Saturn (at the "unbelievable" price of $19.99) and walk over to this kid with braces and red hair and ask him, "So, do you think this is a cool game?" He replies, "Oh, yeah, man, this is the one with that band in it...you know, 'Dude Looks Like a Girl'? Who sings that?" At that point, I shrugged and walked away, snickering at the insanity.

To be honest, I already knew what Revolution X was horrible to begin with, but I went through so much pain playing that game that I needed to share it. The plot is simple: you are a gun-toting Aerosmith fan (a lot of you out there, I'm sure), and you're out to save the band from the clutches of Helga, a big-breasted Eurotrash chick bent on taking the minds of children and torturing them with goodness. Backing her up is the New Order Nation, a fleet of bumblebee-dressed gunmen out to destroy whoever disagrees with the program. Um, yeah, I could see this in LA...and not a cop to be found, sure. But one speeding ticket and they're all over you!!

The graphics are pixilated to the point of breaking up as is (the same problem existed with the Playstation game), but the Saturn version is so much less thanks to the constant slowdown. Ooh, such a zippy group of soldiers- looks like a ballet troupe. Get a big enemy on-screen (like the Eyeball Slime Guy or a helicopter) and prepare for a long, boring (and UGLY) battle.

As for the sound, it's acceptable, I guess. The music consists of- what else?- looped-to-death Aerosmith tunes (the Dude Looks Like a Lady riff at the ending is overplayed to the point that you want to rip the CD to pieces with a pair of rusty pliers), and the sound effects have little variety, consisting of the "POOM POOM POOM" kind over and over.

Control is disastrous, thanks in part to the slowdown on the screen. Of course, being Acclaim, the company failed to make the game optional with a Stunner, so you're stuck using the ol' D-pad to control a little pair of crosshairs and open fire (if you can) on the onslaught of evil. Sounds like fun? Just wait till a friend joins in the misery- it's about as thrilling as a cooking show!

There are secrets, and that's the only thing that made the coin-op fun to begin with. If you locate the hidden band members (guitarist's in the john, Steven Tyler is on the rafters necking with a blonde- RIGHT!), you get a SPECIAL ending where you can trash their trophies. Ooh, isn't that worth waiting for!!

At first, when it was in the arcades, I did enjoy Revolution X a little. On the Playstation, I found it dull, and, now, on the Saturn, I find it more atrocious than three-day old meatloaf with a pelt of green guck. I rate it an absolutely disgusting 1 out of 10, it is the worst of the worst (aka Acclaim's usual standard for Acclaim).

Oh, by the way, three days later, I went back to the same Toys R' Us and ran into that kid. He told me, "Hey, I picked up that Revolution X game...it's awesome!" I shook my head and said, "Kid, I got three words for you...Virtua Cop 2." With that, I walked away and continued my critiquing on the Power Ranger Turbo crap.